Five Simple Rules

1. Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years ago."
2. If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.
3. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
4. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
5. ALWAYS offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

Next you need to know just a few simple rules about dining out:

1. Remain seated in the truck until he has had time to step around and open the door for you. Unless… the big, dumb galoot is in the restaurant ordering his possum, then it is okay to enter the restaurant.
2. Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobile home costs just as much as yours.
3. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
4. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how good his manners are.
5. If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes